Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
