Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
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I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
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You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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