she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
