i wish peter jackson would direct porn
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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