Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
