im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Dear god my vagina.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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