My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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