from now on my penis is your penis
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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