We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
