A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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