I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
