I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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