Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
