Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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