Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
