The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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