Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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