The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
