I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
