I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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