the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
