It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
