I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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