Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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