I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Randomize
