She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I cut my penus on the lid.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
