I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
