dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
