i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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