I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
