on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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