I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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