am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
