whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
