They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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