and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I am available for nakedness
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
