I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
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