Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
