If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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