I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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