I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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