I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
