you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
