Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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