Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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