you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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