nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
