this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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