My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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