90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
