listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
