I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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