I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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