3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
