textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I deserve this hangover.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
