Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
What happened to fro yo and sex?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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