he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
