Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
