Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
